


when your eyes are red (and emptiness is all you know)

by stardustgirl



Series: with the darkness fed (i will be your scarecrow) [1]
Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: (kind of), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Clone Wars, Coping, Death, Five Stages of Grief, Flashbacks, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Master/Padawan Relationship(s), Implied/Referenced Character Death, Insomnia, Jedi, Jedi Temple (Star Wars), Kanan Jarrus Gets A Hug, Kanan Jarrus Has PTSD, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Mace Windu Appreciation Day, Mace Windu Appreciation Day 2020, Mace Windu Would Be A Great Dad And You're Wrong If You Think Otherwise, Near Death Experiences, Post-Battle of Geonosis, Post-Episode: s02e07 Legacy of Terror, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Survivor Guilt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24342214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustgirl/pseuds/stardustgirl
Summary: Only a few weeks after the disastrous mission that took Depa's life, Caleb finds a source of comfort.
Relationships: Depa Billaba & Kanan Jarrus, Depa Billaba & Kanan Jarrus & Mace Windu, Kanan Jarrus & Mace Windu
Series: with the darkness fed (i will be your scarecrow) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1352362
Comments: 3
Kudos: 69





	when your eyes are red (and emptiness is all you know)

**Author's Note:**

> My piece for Mace Windu Appreciation Day 2020!! Prompt fill for "Emotions/Control" for that.
> 
> Also a prompt fill for "Vomiting" (Bad Things Happen Bingo) and "Tucking Into Bed" (Found Family Bingo).
> 
> TW: Referenced Death of Parental Figure, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, Panic Attacks, Dissociation

Caleb’s mind keeps returning to the worm crawling from Stance’s helmet, even as the mind healer tells him that it’s best not to dwell on the nightmare-inducing memories of that trip. Caleb keeps finding himself back there, on the ship, sobbing over Depa’s body as she grows cold in his arms. He starts finding himself out of bed more often, wandering the Temple in the dark like a phantom in the night, his mind wandering farther than his legs.

That’s when Master Windu steps in.

Caleb’s on one of his midnight travails, this time sobbing softly for a reason he can’t particularly place, when he finds himself at the Temple’s entrance. Master Windu is speaking to someone who’s hidden from view by a pillar, and Caleb turns to continue walking. He tries to avoid running into any of the other Jedi from nocturnal species, and why shouldn’t the same policy apply here, to his grandmaster returning from a mission?

That is, of course, when Master Windu hears him and turns. “Caleb?”

He freezes, swallowing hard and stepping out of the shadows. He shuffles his feet, gaze dropping after he catches Master Windu’s frown. “What are you doing up?”

“I...couldn’t sleep,” he says.

And then the being his grandmaster was speaking to steps into view. “I can go, General, if you need me to.”

Caleb freezes, his breath catching and his heart stopping and his stomach falling as he’s suddenly back _there,_ on that death-trap of a ship, searching for Depa as quietly as he can even as the clones call for him to come out but he _can’t_ because those aren’t the same clones that’s not really Grey and Stance and Styles it’s _not them_ even though it sure _sounds_ like them when Remo grabs his arm and—

“Caleb!”

He jolts at the call, gasping for breath. Master Windu is above him and he’s on the ground but _there’s a clone behind him_ and he cries out, pointing and yelling, “Master Windu—”

“Caleb, it’s just Ponds!” His grandmaster’s interruption is sudden, but not unkind. “It’s just Ponds.”

Caleb finds himself taking in a shallow, shuddering breath as he nods and sits up.

And then he’s bursting into tears.

Caleb isn’t sure how long it takes, or when Master Windu carefully pulls him into a hug, but at some point his tears peter out. By that point, the clone— _Ponds his name is Ponds his name is Ponds his name is Ponds—_ is long gone, and he’s just sitting there like a kriffing youngling with Master Windu awkwardly holding him close.

“I miss– I miss Depa,” he chokes out as the sobs slow. “I miss Depa.”

“I know, Caleb, I know,” Master Windu answers, and Caleb detects a roughness in the voice he hasn’t heard before, not from his grandmaster at least.

“I miss her– I miss her _so much—_ ”

“I know.”

Caleb’s tears return in a fresh round, and it takes another long span of sobs before Master Windu can coax him to his feet, slowly guiding him back toward his room. He manages to recover enough to key the door open.

And then he sees the apartment he’d shared with Depa only a few cycles before, now empty but for his and Master Windu’s entry, and he’s back to sobbing.

The man begins to guide him over to his bed, only to help him over to the ‘fresher as Caleb suddenly feels the urge to vomit. He does so, and remains over the toilet for a moment, shaking.

“ _I miss her,_ ” he chokes out at long last, voice weak. “I...I know I shouldn’t, I’m not attached I promise I’m not but I just keep seeing the– the clones and the worms and _her_ and I just really really miss her I’m sorry for all of this but—”

“ _Caleb._ It’s okay to miss someone.”

He stands up, unsteady as he flushes the toilet and all but collapses into Master Windu’s arms. “Not...not this much...I promise I’m not attached...promise….”

“You’re allowed to miss someone. It’s okay.”

Caleb knows there’s no point in arguing anymore, so he just nods weakly and allows Master Windu to help him over to his bed. He stares blankly at the ceiling as his grandmaster draws the covers over him, standing there awkwardly for a moment. Caleb doesn’t have the energy to ask him to stay, to tell him that he doesn’t see Stance’s corpse with the worm leaving his head as much when there’s other people—people who under _stand_ what Depa was to him—around.

Somehow, though, the man must understand, because he stays with Caleb until unconsciousness finally takes him.

This is the first night in cycles he doesn’t dream of the ship.


End file.
